Dear god.
Okay, it's not that big of deal physically, yes I'm soar and it is challenging- emotionally it's much much more difficult then I anticipated. The other day a friend said some hurtful (that I may or may not have taken out of context- it is undecided) and it totally sent me into a downward spiral. I was on my mat in class working hard, as I always try to and just all of a sudden dropped my arm in defeat, fell into childs pose and cried. Yeah, awesome I know. What was actually said was very insignificant in the scheme of things, but it just felt like such a huge barrier and made me want to shout "what's the point!!" and leap off my mat in a fit of tears straight to a big plate of pancakes.
That being said, I'm starting to realize the emotional impact of doing an hour and a half of hot yoga everyday. It's a lot more difficult to be with yourself in meditation everyday then you'd expect. Being with the body is easy when compared to being with the mind.
I've concluded that anything that affects change is difficult. Every piece of art that I've toiled over, cryed over, screamed at, or turned my back to, have became the pieces that have shaped my practice and inspired others. Anything easy always falls flat. That being said, I'm about 20 days into yoga. I'm at that difficult half way point that makes me want to run. . It's now that I must stand firm and proceed.
I know a lot of people don't get what I'm talking about. How can yoga be so emotional? What's the big deal? Kyle's a big drama queen. Although that may be true.... this practice does have a very viable, and inexplicable ability to evoke something within yourself that you don't understand or know how to deal with. It really is beyond me to try and express the changes that are actually occurring- and much like that frustrating painting or dress- I don't actually know what the outcome will look like. I assume the outcome will be moving. It might not be pretty, but definitively moving
I see Geoff's eyes glaze over when I talk about yoga- I know he doesn't understand, and I can't fault him for not getting it when I really don't even get it myself. All I know is change is afoot, and I'm glad I have this blog to at least share it with you guys.
If you're eyes are glazed over from reading this, I apologize. When I'm a Yoga superhero that can heal wounds magically with my yoga touch and float from mat to mat you'll be happy you knew of the process.
I totally hear you- yoga is very emotionally intense. props for doing class every day, that's incredibly hardcore! i know you will come out on top!
ReplyDeletea couple of the classes I went to in Bali were very transformative for me.
awwww hunny, you have no idea how proud I am of you. That takes commitment and heart and my god! a lot of emotional and physical stamina. I am struggling in the same way to do my artist way (and that does not involve a physical detoxifying component) so I can well imagine the emotional outpouring and triggers that are being pushed by your extreme hardcoreness! I go and work out with Keith (he pushes me further than I'd ever go on my own) and usually it winds up in me being a huge crying baby or I yell my face off at Ashley for an hour straight...you just never know! That's after one or two workouts in a row nevermind 20! Keep at it I know you can do it! xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI have been there... crying on the mat.
ReplyDeleteSomething that I have learned throughout my years in the dance, in the hoop and doing yoga has simply been to be present. I hold on to negativity because I do not want to ever bring yet more hurt and pain in this world... but then it lingers in my physical body or as a weight that I bear emotionally. As an artist you share both your gifts and your burdens- touching hearts through beauty and pain. Our bodies have amazing power to adapt and overcome.
Got fear? Bring it to the mat. Got anger? Bring it to the mat. Got despair? Bring it to the mat. Or to your hoop- your dance- your sketchbook- your lovemaking- your cooking... whatever .
Acknowledge it, bear it and breathe through it if you can, and if it does not back down this time, know that what you face may not always be a limit to you...
Simply making the commitment to be there, be present- little by little I discover a little more self-love and acceptance, or that there are folks out there who love and accept me no matter what.
Hope all that made sense.
Shine on!!